So this blog is now six months old! Which means that despite popular opinion I’ve actually managed to keep a resolution for this long? Wild.
Honestly it hasn’t been an especially profound experience but everything starts somewhere and I think it’s better to begin something rather than to sit around wishing I were doing more.
The thing with me, and maybe with everyone, is there are very clear differences between who I am and who I would be if I had limitless amounts of money and freedom.
If I could do anything I would get into a car and drive. I would find the people who make me feel the most, orient us towards the coast and go until I couldn’t see anything except the sky melting into the sea. Until everything that would usually be worrying us: work and money and distance and silence go away and the blue pen ink stains under our eyes starts to fade. Until we look human again.
Because if I had it my way I would live for the way the sun burns the water orange and the sting of wind chapped lips. I would spend my days searching for conversations; finding out why they care the way that they do. I want to travel – to the golden places, to the hidden places, to other people’s worlds. And for once I want to say, ‘hey fuck looking ‘smart’ or ‘professional.’ Let the thread bracelets turn to rags around my ankles and the ends of my hair tangle like dried seaweed. Let our skin be shaded by the sun and our hands crack and callous because we’re actually using them. Let us become our world. Let the world become ours.
For once please just let us look like and learn whatever the hell we want to. I want to drink my $10 wine out on top of the highest hill we can find instead of inside in front of my assignments. I want to learn about evolution and plants and how to fix a car engine. I want to talk to people so I can understand them better. So I can create things about them, for them, for us.
If I could do anything I would spend my whole life chasing the sun.
But I don’t have limitless money and I think I have a duty to do more than just run away.
So instead I go to university and I study (probably poorly) for my exams and when we drive we always have a destination. It’s not for nothing. I love my degree; I love the things I will be able to achieve with it. There are so many changes that need to be made in the world – changes that are worth fighting for. I have the opportunity now to enable myself, to become a valuable member of that battle. I would be a fool not to make the most of it.
It’s exhausting but it’s for a cause I believe in. I’ve had to sacrifice things that I loved, qualities I adored and people who made me happy to be here, to be learning everything that I am.
It wasn’t a fair exchange but it was a necessary one. Now I have to fight every day to make it worth it.
But when I write, I don’t write for that part of me, I write for the sun haze, red sky, long grass. I write for the sticky warmth of the crowd’s embrace, for the golden lights of the boats, for icy grass freezing toes. I write for leg cramp, long flight, unexpected rainstorms. I write for conversation. I write for the freedom that I can’t realistically let myself have.
That’s what I want to try and create with this blog. I want to show you that other half of everything I experience. I want to introduce you to the people I know and show you the places I’ve been. I want to create something collaborative and reflective of the world that I live in. Something that engages the other part of me.
I have no idea how I will do that, but I’m going to try.
Thanks for sticking around for the last six months.
love from zar.