So a less festive post, but I know that Christmas isn’t the cheeriest for all. I watched this video by Dodie (I’ve probably seen it about 100 times in the last few weeks) and it really got to me, because something we all have to do in life is cut ties with people that we care a lot about. There are lots and lots of people who are dealing with that right now.
It could be for our own health or wellbeing; it could be to get over something; to fall out of love with someone; to get ourselves out of a toxic situation.
No matter the reason the actual cutting of the ties is awful.
Like it sucks. Losing someone you don’t want to lose is scary and painful and sad. Mostly it will be somebody who truly means a lot to you and is a big part of your life – someone that you can’t even envision yourself without, but you still have to do it if you want to move on.
If cutting ties is something you are doing right now or considering doing than I’m proud of you. It is a terrifying and devastating thought – but it’s also sometimes necessary.
If you need a reminder, here is why –
Imagine all of the hurt you’re feeling as a stab wound and the person you need to let go of as the one holding the knife. It’s going to fucking suck. There will be a new, relentless pain in your life that you can’t get around and you can’t undo. Your new reality is that you have a hole in you – and it’s a really bad one. It’s also the kind of wound where yeah, there could be anger and betrayal and guilt and all sorts of other rubbish emotions and feelings mixed in as well and wrecking havoc.
It’s going to hurt a lot, but it’s a stab wound. Of course it is going to hurt.
The thing is, if you don’t let go of the person who is hurting you then you don’t remove the knife. I know that there is so much comfort in them still being with you and because they are part of the reason you are hurting you want them to stick around so you can say, ‘Hey! Look! Ow!’ You want them to stay with you because you just need to have them there.
But you’re not going to heal properly if you don’t take out the knife.
Walking away from them is going to hurt. It’s hard, I know. I know that you don’t want to leave them, I know that it is the worst. And it’s not fair that it’s Christmas time and everyone else is buzzing with festivity while you are hurting. I know. I’m sorry. But you are going to be ok.
It will be painful for a long time. You can’t get around that – once you are hurt you are hurt. You will miss them fully and honestly and with every bit of yourself – it is ok to be hurting that much. Because one day soon you will miss them a little less and you will keep missing them less until there comes a day when you make it through without thinking of them at all.
Yeah ok, it might still hit you every now and then. It will flare up at 2am, in the middle of your work shift, on your drive to the party – that fuck! Losing that person hurt, and fuck losing that person changed you and fuck one year ago you could not have imagined that you would be sitting here right now, nursing a wound that never seems like it will close over completely.
But in one year more, you cannot even imagine all the good that will be waiting.
So you can make it through.
Try and find closure somehow if you can. Write a letter, have a final conversation, throw away anything that reminds you of them. Closure is important – it’s so much harder to get over things if you are sitting there obsessing over what you wish you had said or done. Get it out of your system first. Let it go.
Delete them on social media. You don’t need those reminders, they don’t help you, all it does is wedge that knife in further. Maybe this person is a painkiller for you but they are not the cure. Maybe you can learn to heal around the knife and keep them, but honestly it could almost kill you – you don’t have to put yourself through that. Let them go. Unfollow them. End the streak. Give yourself a break.
Be kind to yourself. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to cry if you need to – you’re not embarrassing but you may be unhappy. You have let go of something important – you have a wound that will take a long time to stop bleeding. Treat yourself how you would a friend. Love yourself.
Surround yourself with those other friends. Let them heal you and help you the best they can. Reach out for them and ask them to catch you. They are the ones who will lift you up in your lowest. You need them. You’re allowed to need them. They will help (the only relevance the top picture has is that those three are who I will always surround myself with, and even when they don’t get it, they help).
Get out into the sun. Look after yourself, drink water, dress up nice, have fun. Remember that this whole thing is a process to heal. You are doing it so three or six or twelve months down the track that open wound will have closed. And it won’t be shit the whole time that it heals either. You will have times when things are looking up. You are doing this to give yourself more of those times. To have a healthier and happier and better kind of life. You are doing this because you have to.
If you are recovering – and think of it like that. Then I am proud of you.
I’m sorry that it’s Christmas but by this time next year I know you will be celebrating again because you are going to be ok.
You have yourself.
And even if you don’t know how you can survive something – you still will, you still do.
The sun is rising tomorrow and so are you.
I love you, see you then xx