Today was such a mixed bag; it was incredibly sad and euphoric and confusing. But in the end I had a good dinner, I have excellent plans for tomorrow and I cleaned my linen. 2016 I think was similarly mixed – but for all of its faults was still liveable and for all the bad there were things that I loved a lot. Here are 10: The Best of 2016
My flat was absolutely, without a doubt the best part of this year. If you have read my blog you will know from #1 and #2 and #3 just how much I have learnt and loved in our little space. Honestly though, it has been childhood dreams of living with your friends come true; soft snuggly sweet vibes. My favourite place to be.
2) I can see!
I would relive all of the worst moments of this year x100 over to have had this surgery. It has been phenomenal and important and I have felt my self-confidence and just the way I exist in this world settle so much. It’s allowed me to enjoy things with this whole-hearted appreciation and I am so ridiculously excited to be able to carry it forward with me into the new year.
3) All celebrations were good.
On Valentine’s day we ate ice cream and watched rom com’s like the spinsters we are. Easter brought an egg hunt in our garden that took hours of hunting and clues and ended with sunshine and chocolate. My 20th birthday was the best of my life; I had a surprise party thrown for me and thinking of it genuinely warms my heart even now. I got the most beautiful necklace from my best friends, they are the people who love me the most and it was a gift that just showed that they get me, you know? It was exactly what I wanted and I don’t know if they realise how much it meant to me but it was perfect and I haven’t taken it off.
I also had a joint party with Flo and we had two cakes and all our friends from our Auckland life and it was so much fun to be surrounded by these people that have become so important in this short space of time. Also I love, love, love birthdays so a double celebration was good with me.
And then it was Christmas, spent with good family, good food, good books and good wine. Probably one of the nicest Christmas’s I’ve had. I spent a long time hating Christmas as a teenager so I appreciated this one in that I didn’t have to hate it for the sake of it and that made it even better.
4) I reconnected with my family.
Something that is evident from my blog posts is that I am an over thinker and also I don’t let go of things very easily at all. Which is good if I like you and bad if I don’t. I spent a lot of years really pissed off at a lot of my extended family. Partially because I am a baby and wanted them to love me harder, but also because they were conspicuously absent and me, being extremely shy at the rare family events, never managed to make the bond I knew my friends had with their family.
This year I think I finally learnt to let that go and in doing so I finally got what my family is about. They aren’t going to make it to my graduation or christmas or know the ins and outs of my life – but they are still going to love me. They will still choose me, they are still proud of me and come hell or high water I will always belong with them.
There was this moment when we were all driving out in a congregation to the family burial plot and our car just went mad. I was squished between mum and an Uncle and we were blasting music and drinking cheap berry cider and telling stories and it was hilarious and something that only made sense as family. And there was a moment when I saw my Nanny’s headstone and I just fell and cried but everyone there kept coming up to greet her; to say hello to her and to send their love -and that was connection too. They loved her and they knew that I, the girl clinging hard to that stone, was her blood and their blood and she was our joy and loss together. We share the way that only families can.
Also before I was a child and now I am not and I am really looking forward to getting to know them as myself – not as just a niece or a daughter or mokopuna of a relative – but as Zar. I really would like to have them in my life in that way.
I also appreciate that I have so many amazing members of family who have made it to all the shows and all the prize giving’s and surgeries and never miss a birthday. They love me even when I am being a brat and they are more than enough.
Still, losing that resentment was a blessing of the year.
5) I kept in touch with my friends.
Over the last two years I have grown the most ever. Something that I let slide during that time was my friendships – I kind of just relied on that fact that they loved me unconditionally and took the opportunity to step back and sort out my life. This year I took a baby step in getting that my relationship with my friends back on track and started sending postcards to the people who live far away. It was a little thing but it kept them in my life a little better and it made me really happy to do it. I have a lot of love and a lot of time for people who I don’t get to see and it’s something I am pleased I get to keep doing.
Also my girls stayed together another year and I am so proud of us.
6) House parties made a comeback.
See ya later Bar101! I love parties!
This year we saw some excellent themes, excellent dance moves and had some all-round excellent times.
Shout out to the 2015 Langham Flat (Caitlin, Flo, Elvira, Mac, Eloise & Caitlin) for the best parties of the year.
7) I re-joined debating.
I hate debating but it is very much a part of my identity anyway. This is my 7th year doing it and my goodness it has been so stressful, I literally cried on my way home from it for the first two months solid – but also I like it a lot. Debaters are inimidatingly smart and they know it – but they are also funny and progressive and there are so many good people who are unabashedly themselves.
My favourite parts were probably getting to see all the Wellington debaters who I have known since I was a 13 year old baby. They are basically strangers but we also have this time-old familiarity that I cherish a lot. There was also a radical girl group who took the Auckland club by storm and who I am so proud of. We also went to bar101 in Hamilton and made it to bloody Christchurch?!?! To stay in such a cute motel I truly enjoyed myself. Also I am one of three accredited women judges in Auckland and even though training as a judge was the most academically stressful (me being not-confident-in-that-side-of-my-intelligence) and high pressure thing I have ever done, I’m also really, really proud of it.
8) Double Decker busses
Top seat at front of the double decker is one of my favourite places. I am so at peace up there. Thanks Auckland for the upgrade!
9) A few good songs.
The Hamilton soundtrack (Broadway being my third top favourite music category lol) was incredible. The Hamilton musical was absolutely phenomenal. Also Little Mix had a new album which is SO good. Admittedly I also like the techno vibe pop coming out of this year – so while there was not enough good music from my favourite people, there was enough to scrape us through.
10) I think I am finally a bit grown up.
It’s been a hell of a ride this year. Tough and fun and ridiculous – I didn’t know one person could make so many mistakes or be so many wrong things?! But I did and I was, and yet here I still am. At 20 and almost a 1/2 I am sure of what motivates me and I finally take responsibility for myself. And yeah hey, sometimes I am a dick and I might not always like who I am but I own up to my decisions nowadays – more so than I ever have before. In a nice way, my home has finally become myself.
Even in the worst of times I am doing okay and I am constantly figuring more things out about life. Honestly, I surprise myself everyday with the random things I think and I do – but also I am comfortable with who I am. I am confident in what I believe in.
I will still always be a baby about some things like tax and people who are mean, I still will always want my mama, I still spilt tea all over my bed at 2am this morning and had to steal my flatmates duvet while mine took a bath – but I am not hiding from life anymore.
I am done being mad at the world and myself and all the brokenness in it.
I am done not standing for anything in case I take the fall or it looks like I am trying too hard. I do try hard, but only for things that I think are worth it. And as it turns out staying on the ground is kind of uncomfortable after a while. It’s been restful and necessary, but it’s become mighty uncomfortable.
so 2017, I am back on my feet;
and I am so ready to go.
only 2 more posts left!
Love, love, love you sweets xx