It’s funny because I was so desperate to write for the first couple of days of this year – it had become routine, habit, easy. And now here I am two days late on my first weekly post – absolute disaster I tell ya!
But even though I missed the day I am here now! To commemorate and celebrate a year of my blog and to shake my own hand for a New Year’s resolution well kept.
My resolutions always follow the same basic structure (I really am embarrassingly a type A kind of person in so many random parts of my life): There is one that is make up based, one that is life based and one that sometimes exists, sometimes doesn’t which is meant to be measurable and practical and worth it.
1) Learn how to fill in my eyebrows.
The fact that I can’t has reached new levels of ridiculous, but I have faith I can learn.
2) Keep in touch with the people I love better.
I didn’t find home in Wellington this summer. It was beautiful – God it was beautiful, even with the streets shattered from that earthquake and my heart shattered from a turbulent month it was so stunning to me, but it wasn’t home. That girl I used to write about, the one who belonged dancing in nostalgia who knew how to create new life out of old memories is finally gone. I guess that is what I mean about growing up in 2016.
I couldn’t wait to leave.
And that made me sad except for when I found myself a few weeks later on a beach towel with sun warmed fizzy water and a boysenberry trumpet, both of us yelling at the sun to come out from behind the cloud. And then a few months later moulded into them on top of a mountain with too much wine in my blood and the lights mapping out the city in the darkness. And then messaging the group chat again. I realised that maybe some of the shit I write about home being a feeling and a moment is true. I did get to go home this summer, just not in the way I expected.
There are just times where the love I felt was so overwhelming; both inside and outside of me – when you find people who can make you feel that way, like the warmth inside you is small compared to the heat surrounding you, you have to keep them I think.
HMU with your address if you want a postcard friends.
3) Be present.
I spend lots of my life fizzing and fluffing and floating around like everything is a practise run. It’s not.
I had this sudden realisation the other day that your early twenties are probably the most distressing time of life because everything is meant to end – the job you have, the person you’re seeing, the house you live in. My life now in no way resembles the life that I imagine for myself in another ten years. And that’s really sad because even when it’s all fleeting and temporary you love things so much and you want things so bad. Everyone is so desperate to prove themselves and to make an impact and we are all so bright and smart and beautiful it’s kind of tragic that most of what we create is wiped out just because that’s how life happens.
But also just because it’s not permanent doesn’t mean it’s a practise run – in fact the opposite is true I think.
If this is the only time I have to love the things I love right now this hard and to live the life I want this well – then that is what I have to do. There is no time to waste.
6 months ago I wrote a ‘6 months of my blog’ post and I talked about how it hadn’t been a very profound experience but that it was better than doing nothing while wishing I had been doing more – and in lots of ways I was right but in one important way I was wrong.
I don’t think that this blog will ever be profound or special or extraordinary. I don’t envision my life ever being bigger than it currently is nor my thoughts any more coherent. I am happy and satisfied, and frankly quite overwhelmed enough as it is – I don’t need anything more than all the beautiful things I have.
The goal I think is not to be profound or special, but just to keep posting and hope to be better at the end than I was at the beginning.
I am blessed and so happy that so many of you are sticking with me through it despite this lack of knowing-what-the-heck-I-am-doing. Also my only-writing-a-post-when-I-have-somewhere-else-to-be-so-its-a-bit-haphazard (happy birthday em! sorry i am late to dinner).
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Thank you for a year xx