Hey it’s February and hey i’m exhausted. I am the kind of person who catches up on sleep in the morning and it has now been 8 days of early wake ups and long full days of people and activity and work. My breaks are limited, my mood is finally starting to turn but I am still going and I enjoy what I do when i’m there so I think that’s what matters. It just means that this blog post, typically, is average and messy.
I went home for the weekend and it was perfect. I forgot, you know? Last time I went home I was preoccupied by Auckland and all my unfinished business within it and I forgot that when I am just myself, being in Wellington still makes my heart full. God I loved people so hard back then and they loved me and even though we are all grown up now, that lingers. That kind of diehard, got nothing to lose kind of love. Not even romantic, like the kids I coached (now women) and the adults who used to look after me when I was a baby (still so wise to me). I don’t know, I forgot I guess what it is like to be surrounded by that kind of love. I forgot all the stuff that happened to me at home, like I have a whole life there. I know I romanticise it, I make it poetry and anecdotes to write into posts but I forget that it was real, actual stuff. I forget that it mattered on a really personal level. I forgot that it actually meant something to me.
The trip was too short and it made me sad in a familiar kind of way, but also in a way I haven’t felt for a while. The kind of way where I am exhausted by everything here that I have tried and not succeeded at. All the people, all the activities, everything that I refuse to let go of because they ‘are my life,’ – I have remembered that they’re not. And I go home and I c0me back with this renewed longing to just cut those bits of Auckland that are shitty and exhausting out because like even without them I have about 100 too many things on my plate here that I love (hope you’re pumped for a post on absolutely over committing yourself because welcome to the life I live and the long list of things I need to quit this week). But also its not in my nature to let things go, and I come back and the things I don’t want are everywhere and they are inviting me to events and waving to me out of windows and they are almost inseparable from my existence here and its ridiculous.
I don’t want you but I have you so what do I do with that?
I guess love you because thats all I know how to do. Be mad at you and love you at the exact same time.
I am so tired.
But I have ordered a nice present for myself online and mama is here visiting and even though the prospect of getting up again tomorrow makes my whole body want to implode, I love what I get to do, I love how dorky and fun and nice it is. I love the people I am meeting and the feeling that I am doing the kind of shit that I love to do – I just would really love a break as well.
March already, fuckkkkk.
But Lorde and Ed Sheehan are dropping music and thats going to be sweet.
No matter what else happens, that is going to be sweet.
Odds on me re-writing this post later? Very high.
Talk then xo