I kind of realised that a lot of the posts I have been drafting have been coming from this really small and sad part of me. Like they weren’t bad posts or written on bad topics, but they were built on this really vulnerable and weak foundation – which is weird because I am okay at the moment but that hasn’t been reflecting in my writing at all.
Then almost two weeks ago I got my tattoo and it’s something that I’ve been wanting for so many years. And its small and its simple and I think the thing with tattoos is that no one really understands them except for you.
I wanted a sun.
I wanted a sun because I wanted to take summer, the most hopeful and positive time of year and I wanted to immortalise it onto me. I wanted a reminder that no matter how long the night is, no matter how shit and cold life can be, the sun will rise in the morning no matter what. I wanted to have warmth emblazoned onto my arm. I wanted to look at it and feel happy and feel hopeful.
And I am so happy with it because I do – it is exactly what I wanted.
A reminder of summer in every stage of my life.
From the early ones; repetitive ball bouncing off wall. Yellow swing ball leaving angry rope marks against tan skin. Books about cats and games about schools and the shade of the peach tree, chasing my tiny brown kitten lost in its branches. Home made flowery perfumes and barbie hair washes with hand soap bubbles. Eggs on toast with hot yellow yolk and unwrapping small; gooseberry’s from their crackly skin – fairy food for a fairy girl.
Late summers that were hot and dry, creating tight friction between skin and between people. Heated breath, flesh against flesh and gritty sand stuck in between your toes or imprinted into cotton. Grazed knees and rock patterned hands. Tongue tangy and bitter from tamari soy almonds and melty chocolate. Spicy gum, bottle warmed water and tiny street light suns sparkling in the dark.
Right now kind of summers with soft sunny mornings. Clean sheets and creamy skin, white teeth, steering wheels. Ice creams and fizzy water and the light streaming through gaps in the curtains. Tired eye mornings, squinting under pink sunrises. Taste of salt under tongue and pins and needles in my feet. The gradient of the sky – indigo and green and yellow and tangerine.
The kind of warm days that make me stronger in the dark. The kind of light that makes secrets and lies too hard to hide – that keeps you honest and outspoken and brave. The kind of love that is indiscriminate and all-encompassing and almost relentless in the best possible way – the kind of love I long to have, the kind of love I strive to give.
Now permanently a part of me.
Also I think tattoos are cool.
(determined to make 4 posts, see you two more times soon)