Track One // Green Light: Its summer and my skin is rough with heat and grit. I stop wearing shoes to the store to make me tougher, but there is something ragged in my chest. I don’t think about it when I don’t have to. I catch the bus, I cry and I clutch my own hands until there are nail prints imbedded in my palm and then I get off running. I dance and I dance and I dance. I drink sour fizzy drinks, smash berry ice cream into my mouth and plunge eyes open, head first into the waves. You took handfuls out of me and so I fill in the gaps with the summer heat of city. With eyeshadow, with denim, with wine, with somebody else. With unfamiliar parts of me.
Track Two // Sober: One of those nights. Neither of us looking for each other but we are both here. I can feel you and I know you feel me. Golden kids with sultry smiles. Reaching for the waists of strangers, arms snaked around shoulders, lips pressed to necks. Still not looking at each other. Tomorrow I will care but now, nah. The lights are red and these are your friends, rallying around you and these are my friends with their hands stretched out to me. Looking to us like we are the same kids who left. Maybe we still are to them. We’re strangers to ourselves.
Track Three // Homemade Dynamite: It’s another night curled up on a couch. Running past in a short black skirt and my chocolate drink. I always knew I was messy but not this much. Laughing upside down on your bed until 4am talking trash about everything. Trading chips for bad stories. You’re trying to figure me out while we are brushing teeth on opposite sides of the bathroom. Bunch of strange kids – we don’t know each other yet and that’s good because I know I’m not easy to like but I know you like me. You drive us blind, lie about your license, can’t believe we didn’t die.
Track Four // The Lourve: Lips smashed and feet spun off the floor. Summery heat that melts sticky on your tongue and sits heavy behind your teeth. I text you when I am two steps out the door. Already running towards you by the time the message sends. Looking for the salt spray, dizzy, hands wrap waist kind of feeling. It’s way too bright but the technicolour is all we know. Reckless kids hungry for our tropic heat. The kind that blurs red when you run too fast through it.
Track Five // Liability: They think I am shy. Maybe I am. They think I’m not friendly and maybe I’m not. But maybe I’m sad. Rushing home from class to press my back to my closed door, locking myself in with the real problem which I guess, in retrospect, was maybe just me. But maybe I don’t want them because maybe they aren’t like you and maybe they aren’t like me but mostly they’re not like anything I want to be. Which is my problem not theirs. I’m the one a little too quiet, too intense, not quick to agree when just maybe the joke wasn’t funny. Maybe I should have let go sooner. Sorry I hurt you when I was hurting.
Track Six (1) // Hard Feelings: It was the choice that hurt not the decision. I knew the decision was right but I let myself consider a choice. That was my mistake: Soft snowy mornings and airport coffees. 8am sunlight under my eyelashes and sweet, fresh air. Making my home in a person instead of this city. The loneliness, the love, the growth, the promise of something better to come. I didn’t choose that. I chose me and some salty sense of freedom – and it was the right choice but it didn’t make alternative not real for me. I let myself feel it. I let myself want it and stupidly I let myself miss it. More than I missed you.
Track Six (2) // Loveless: Pink lips, smooth skin, shiny hair. I’m looking at you looking at me and I don’t want you but you don’t know that. I am untouchable and incredible, dancing under pulsing lights. If you can’t have me no one can and I guess that’s sad but it’s also my new power. I am holding your hand but I don’t belong to you. Nothing can touch me now.
Track Seven // Sober II (Melodrama) I know I look good tonight. Tight top, black pants, tanned skin. And it’s so cold outside but the clubs are warm and we are all following you and I don’t fucking know why but I know I look good tonight. And we melt into the club and let the pulse of the crowd pull us a part and I dance harder than I ever have before, wondering if they know. I’m trying to tell them; can they sense it? The distance? This infected gap that is separating all of us? This was our big love. This is the tragic end of our grandest show. Do they see me?
Track Eight // Writer in the Dark: Writing is the only thing I know how to do. I know you hate it and I know you know that it’s about you. But do you? How many times have you all read yourselves into something that I never intended for you. It’s funny how little things sound so similar when they’re put on a page. I’ll love you forever, but it’s not all about you. It never has been.
Track Nine // Supercut: This is the way that I live. Every memory, every relationship contorted into a video and set to a cheap musical soundtrack. God I loved you all. I loved the quiet parties with music no one danced to and cheap beer and too many political talks. I loved the sunny afternoons and chocolate milk chats where we sung at the top of our lungs and melted our bodies into the heat of the concrete. But they’re still my moments you know? I miss you but you’re not gone. You just accumulate.
Track Ten // Liability (reprise): My room is clean. I have candles burning on my desk and a dream catcher hanging from my window. The air tastes sweet and I am warm and I am sitting quietly for once. It’s an okay life I have here in a loud city with backwards footpaths. I am not who I thought I would be but I’m fine. It’s going to be good.
Track Eleven // Perfect Places: We are back together for the first time in forever and we’re in a new place – my place. I drank too much wine but you look after me, let me hide under your arms and hold my hand while we dance. I never thought it would be us tonight but here we are. On top of a mountain with the city in clean cut lines below us and there is love in the familiarity and also in the change. The new ways we don’t fit together are comforting because growing up is something we have in common. And because our roots are still there, we stand tall together.
On very rare occasions we are lucky enough to listen to an album and hear our own stories reflected perfectly back to us. Melodrama is Lorde’s story but when she sung it felt as true to me as I know it was to her. These are her songs in my moments. Our story.