10 things I have Learnt in the Last Six Months

1.New friends – who have met you the way you are now and who somehow like you like this (???) – can sometimes be the most important people in your life. Treasure them. Stay real with them.

2. There is fucking gluten in everything.

3. Be who you are.And not in the happy-hippy-flippy way, but in the way that you can’t let your achievements speak for you. People who matter won’t give a shit if you’re a law student or get good grades or do listen to rap music.They only see the girl standing in front of them right now.

So be your whole self in everything you do.

4. I really, really, love my mum.

5. Turns out you can still feel a lot for someone.Which is a feeling you thought was dead because if you can spend x number of years loving someone and still not feel it, it’s kind of fair to wonder if you ever will again.But you did, and you can and one day you will for real.

So shout out and thank you to that passing crush who I probably never talk to again.

You’re a legend.

6. Talk straight to people. Ditch the big words and humble brags. Just say what you mean.

((I’m still learning this one.))

7. I’m smart. The fact that I’m not eloquent or that I only like to ready shitty teen lit books doesn’t take that away from me.

8. Do you know who you are without your best friends around you?I guess I do and I guess it is mostly the same person but without the blind confidence that having unconditional love from a large group of people gives you. Which is interesting because I guess the love was slightly conditional all along, so it was fake confidence anyway.

The thing is that I won’t get my friends back, not properly, not for a while – maybe not ever.

But there is hope that some vulnerability and bravery and sheer dumb luck will still come back to me even after I’ve thrown it away. So I’m crossing my fingers for that.

Also I would say don’t make your friends angry and sad but also I wouldn’t undo what I did, or the way that I did it. So back yourself I guess. Make sure you know the consequences of your actions so that you can own them when it turns to shit.

And stick to your principles. Keep the waters between you as clear and clean as you can.In these kind of fights, you’re never a victim – but you’re also rarely a criminal.

I guess number 8 really just is, be your own friend first.

9. It’s okay to sleep. It’s okay to miss a class because you’re really sad and you have a headache and the same cold that you caught when you were 8 that has never gone away is making your life foggy.It’s okay even that when everyone else is so okay, to be the one who is not quite all together today.

10.Everyone hates on Taylor Swift which is maybe a valid musical opinion but also I love her. Her album is soothing because I know what it’s like to watch the parts of you that you treasure get perverted and thrown back at you until your biggest weapons hurt to hold.

When you win the fight but lose the war: When you finally get the one thing you’ve been fighting for and it sickens you to look at it. Or when you get a taste of something good but it’s taken before you ever had a chance to pursue it.  Or when you’re so fucking angry because if you’re not angry in CAPSLOCK and with EXPLETIVES then you’re defeated and you aren’t ready to give up yet.

But like my Queen Tay shows us through mUsiC – there is still a weird kind of beauty in these moments.

I will never forget the deep blue of clouds on that one day, or the warmth of that hot chocolate curled into my hands or the rhythm of my walk. It’s burned into me in twisted joy because it is so pretty and I was so open to the whole world but I could never have that memory without the sadness encompassing it.

You don’t always get beauty by itself – not the gentle lasting kind. Not the delicate, changing kind. Not without loss or pain. This doesn’t glorify the emotions – I’m terrified of ever being that hurt again -It’s just true.

Anyway the tenth thing I have learnt is that Taylor Swift will always have a song for me when everyone else’s advice fails.

Enough lessons for now x

 

 

 

 

 

 

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