A Letter to Myself #1

This is a last ditch kind of effort. Throw it all in and hope to God it doesn’t miss way to write.

I learnt the year before last that giving is not something that you can do indefinitely with a pure heart. That eventually you will need to take something or you will be left angry and with nothing. Also that giving with the intention of being selfless is not actually selfless so you should get better motives or reconsider.


A hot take: The concept of pure selflessness is bullshit. We are all in the world for reason and in our lives we give and we take until we can make the very best of what we’ve got. It’s a to-and-fro, trying to turn our cents into dollars and our snacks into meals and your conversations into relationships that last. How do you trade minutes in for years? How do you create a story out of 26 abstract letters? Our whole lives are just us stringing things together as neatly as we can, trying to follow the patterns we are taught so we can finish clean instead of messy.

Also, honestly complete selflessness has no intent to it. It has no higher meaning or virtue. Generosity does. Generosity is important, compassion is important, giving to others is important but selflessness is lonely and it is sad and it is dangerous.

People can be selfless but you shouldn’t strive to be I think. Strive to be a good person, not a nothing one.

It’s not just material – that’s the actual important part. I guess being selfless with your possessions isn’t actually that bad of a thing. But it’s being selfless with your emotions, and your time and your love. Love is meant to be given freely and without discrimination, but it is also meant to be ferocious and encompassing and hard to have. You have to learn how to keep that inside of you instead of always shifting it outside of yourself. You need to learn how to invert it and carry it and share it with purpose and meaning and actual joy. If you want to give, you first need to learn to say no. (Also to hear no without being bitter which is easier if you start saying no back).

I learnt this year that selfishness will lose you a lot of things. It will lose you your friends and love and respect and a safety net. But it might also save you the remnants of yourself. And even as tangled and messy and as split ended as you are, you’re not unsalvageable.

Also note: That hope, even if it’s cheap, is maybe the best form of vulnerable to be.

Or here’s hoping at least.

(Lol) and also (lotsoflove)



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