To whom it may concern,
Or, to you.
I’m not ambivalent to you.
Right now we are less than friends but more than strangers. We have that in-between appreciation where we are not each other’s last choice. A relationship based off relief and convenience and inexplicably good timing.
In this life we could be friends, more likely good acquaintances. I know more about you than the average person and you know some of my most gnarly stories. But we aren’t quite comfortable yet, even though – and let me say this as a fact:
Future me loves future you.
I know that it sounds crazy, and maybe it is because we have no groundwork in common but I know that in one universe we exist older and faster than we are now. We have the tattoos that we both want and I probably have my license so I don’t have to wait on you to drive and in that universe, we have found each other.
And I accept that in this universe there is a good chance that soon we will walk away from each other and never walk back into the same room again. Every time I see you may be the last time and I guess on some levels it is sad but I don’t want to fight to keep you and you don’t need to be fought for.
I love you in the future because this is how I love, not just you, but everyone. I gamble on the years bending in the precise kind of way to make me the kind of woman who loves the kind of man that you will grow to be, but aren’t yet. I love you in time-zones that don’t belong to me and minutes I haven’t earned. I want you in an hour that I will maybe never reach. My love is based on a condition that the universe will let it happen. Which is high risk and low reward but also self-preservation, but also love built on faith, but also the only way I know how anymore.
I like you now because you’re honest. You have a quality in you that used to be my love-at-first-sight kind of kryptonite. That haphazard, dangerous but also well considered truthfulness. I see the way you mull over the question and in the crease in your eyebrows when you choose to let me know what you are thinking. It’s that variety of honesty that means that I don’t need to know how to talk to you all the time. The moments of silence and lack of acknowledgement aren’t rude but are necessary. They’re a part of us now. And I don’t need you to laugh at my jokes or understand what I’m trying to say – if i’m being real you could never understand what I am trying to say. But because you are honest, I can tell you genuinely that even though in this timeframe we may never be good friends, we were meant to meet now, so I could know that in some other universe, future you loves future me.
And we are happy.
I think you would appreciate that too.